A Pirate at Hogwarts
by Arhtea
Summary: "Ahoy, bilge rats and land lubbers, listen up. As ya recall, here be no useless wand waivin and I will tolerate no swashbucklin! You be pro'in you can master potions or you'll face the Cat o'nine tails!" or more simply, there's a pirate loose in Hogwarts.


**Author's note:**

 **Written for The Golden Snitch, Talk Like a Pirate**

 **Optional prompts used: 1.** **(character) Arthur Weasley 2. (word) sensible 3. (dialogue) "Yah! Me harties!" / "What in Merlin's beard are you talking about? More importantly, what are you wearing?" 5. (character) Dean Thomas 7. (word) ship 8. (word) ocean 11. (object) goblet 12. (object) pocket watch 14. (word) crumbs 19. (era) Golden Trio 20. (object) sword**

 **(Hogwarts, Hufflepuff)**

 **The story is inspired by episode „Halloween" in „Buffy the Vampire Slayer".**

 **Additionally this is based on a head canon in which very occasionally Snape will allow Arthur Weasley to persuade him to go for a drink because of all the people in the order he can almost tolerate Arthur.**

* * *

 **A Pirate at Hogwarts**

"Ahoy, bilge rats and land lubbers, listen up. As ya recall, here be no useless wand waivin and I will tolerate no swashbucklin! You be pro'in you can master potions or you'll face the Cat o'nine tails!"

The faces of twenty well and truly frightened third years stared back at Severus Snape.

"Well, what 're you waitin for ya sprogs, get brewin!"

The Slytherins and Gryffindors exchanged nervous glances, faced for once with a situation that neither side was comfortable with. Even Crabbe shook his head, his mouth having fallen open from surprise. He leaned over to Draco: "Did someone bang him on the head or what?" Draco raised an eyebrow at his goon having noticed, then shrugged.

Over at the Gryffindor side Dean Thomas looked at the door hesitantly.

"Maybe I should go get professor McGonagall?" he muttered.

No one objected so the boy bolted out the door, leaving Snape to leer after him. "Oye, squiffy, where ya goin? The cauldrons be this way. Useless lubber…" he turned back to the rest of the class. "And what are yeh lot waitin for? Onwards ya scoundrels! I'll give no quarter to mutineers!"

Hesitantly everyone went to motion as well, still unsure, what to make of the situation, but unwilling to test the man's patience.

Snape fell into the usual chair he occupied during the brewing process with a grim scowl. The students began working on their potions, trying to make sense of the instructions on the black board that were riddled with words like "Arrr!", "Ho!" and "Aye!" and were lacking sorely in basic grammar. No one however felt too comfortable with asking clarifications from the man touting a sword on his hip.

Luckily they didn't have to wrestle with the instructions for too long. Right as Goyle and Crabbe were trying to decide what "Stir, ya scoundrel, three times windward!" was supposed to mean, the door flew open and Dean Thomas returned with a slightly out of breath McGonagall in tow.

"Mister Thomas, really, there was no-" the professor began to protest but was quickly silenced by mere glance at her colleague.

"Aye, what be this? Shiver me timbers!" Snape had leapt up from his seat and was glaring at McGonagall. "And ya, ya lousy scallywag," he took one menacing step towards Dean, "I'll have ya keelhaul-"

McGonagall blinked, then took one confident step forward. "No one is going to be keelhauled, but you and I are going to take a little trip. Come on."

"We're are ya taking me ya infernal wen-" The glare McGonagall gave Snape was so icy that it seemed to knock some sense in right through the pointy pirate hat. Either way, he stayed his tongue with a grumble.

"I am taking you to your ship of course. Come along, the ocean awaits!"

"Me have scoundrels to teach!" protested Snape but nevertheless he had a glint in his eyes that showed the idea of a ship did appeal to him. "Ah, they'll manage, the worthless crumbs." He relented with a nod and allowed McGonagall to drag him away.

* * *

"A ship?" Madame Pomfrey blinked in confusion. Snape nodded impatiently.

"The lady promised me a ship." He looked from one confused witch to the other and nodded. "Yah! Me Harties!"

"What in Merlin's beard are you talking about? More importantly, what are you wearing?" the matron shook her head not waiting for an answer for either of the questions and ushered the man to a bed. "Wait here, I shall find out what I can about your ship." Then she rushed over to confer with professor McGonagall and start running tests.

"Well, can you tell, what is wrong with him, or not?" McGonagall asked as the matron finally rushed off. She was standing with her hands crossed on her chest and keeping one eye on Snape who was still sitting, a grumpy look on his face. He kept fiddling with his eyepatch and sending her glares. The latter was mainly because the woman had seen fit to confiscate his sword, when he'd waved it toward Madame Pomfrey, again demanding his ship.

The matron appeared again from her office, a goblet of something or other in her hand. "Here, drink this, Severus!" she demanded.

Snape sniffed the liquid with a suspicious look in his eyes and shook his head. "What is this grog, you infernal beauty?"

McGonagall flinched. Madame Pomfrey however, probably having heard worse things from her patients, coaxed Snape patiently into drinking the "grog" and then stepped away.

She placed the goblet on a table, then checked her pocket watch. "Right, he should be out for a bit now…and, Minnie, as far as I can tell, there's nothing wrong with him."

"Except that he acts and talks like a very bad imitation of a pirate. Poppy, he was dressed like that when he went to class." McGonagall motioned at the wide pants pulled together with a belt that also held a shirt with the most puffiest sleeevs in existance. Other than the eyepatch and hat, Snape also had a plastic parrot attached to his shoulder and at least two of his teeth had been coloured black.

"He wanted to Keelhaul one of his students."

"Really? He'd be hard pressed to find a ship here for that…"

"Poppy, please." McGonagall shook her head. "I am worried about him. He can't keep teaching like this."

Madame Pomfrey shook her head. "I know, Minnie. Look, maybe it would help if we could just find out what brought on the…condition?"

"I don't know. It was Halloween last night, I was at the Order Halloween party and Severus never co-" Professor McGonagall hesitated. This wasn't strictly true. This year Snape had come to the Order party but he hadn't been dressed like a pirate, he'd only given Dumbledore a short message before turning to leave when- "I think he talked to Arthur Weasley. Maybe he knows what happened?"

* * *

Unbeknownst to the Hogwarts faculty though, Arthur Weasley was currently having his hands full as well. Or rather people had their hands full with him. He was perfectly fine in his long trench coat and black fedora, carrying around a revolver and using phrases like "Stone cold broad". It were the other ministry officials that couldn't make neither head nor tails about the situation. In theory, there was nothing wrong with mister Weasley (or so the resident healer kept insisting). He was certainly not insane, he understood everything happening around him and even knew who he was. Apart from the fact that he acted and talked like he'd just stepped out of a 1940s film noir.

As it stood, this was severely hindering Arthur Weasley's ability to do his job and so his superior had ushered him into a small currently empty office and was now trying to confer with two Aurors about the proper way to solve the situation.

"We can't just send him to St. Mungo. He is not crazy!" argued one of them.

"He threatened to pump me full of lead if I didn't stop criticizing his work!" argued the supervisor. "What is that if not crazy?"

"I don't know, alright. But he knows he is Arthur Weasley and he knows he is a wizard and I doubt he was really going to pump you full of led with that toy gun." The auror argued back.

"Well, he can't stay here. We are getting complaints-"

Just then a junior auror rushed into the room. "Sir, there's a floo call for mister Weasley from professor McGonagall. They say that it's urgent!" Before anyone could react, Arthur Weasley was out of the office, hastily shoving his hat on his head. "Well, mustn't keep the dame waiting!" He doved past the supervisor and headed for the hallway. The others exchanged glances and took off after him.

* * *

McGonagall heard Arthur Weasley before she saw him. "Let me go or I'll give you a taste of my gun!" declared a loud voice and after a brief scuffle, Arthur's head popped into view. "What can I do for you, sweetheart?" demanded the Fedora-clad head.

Nevertheless the transfigurations professor recovered quickly. "Mister Weasley, I wanted to speak to you about last night. It seems something rather mysterious has happened to professor Snape-"

"A mystery, eh? Last time a dame came into my office, batting her eyelashes and asking for help, I nearly died of led poisoning!"

"Really, Severus, I must insist that you be sensible and come back to bed!" echoed from a very close distance. Then the door flew open and Severus stalked into the matron's office from where McGonagall was making the floo call.

"Enough, ya scoundrel! I'll not be standin by while y'all turn me ship against me-" his eyes fell on Arthur and he paused abruptly. "Arthur, ya land-lubbering squid!"

"Easy there, friend. I don't want any trouble," replied the man.

"Trouble, eh? I'll show ya trouble! Why, if you we'e one of me men, you'd be dancing the hempen jig!" he came straight at Weasley's head. The other man retaliated by drawing his weapon.

McGonagall tried to intervene but Snape swept past her and lunged at Weasley. Weasley pulled the trigger, making professor McGonagall's heart skip a beat.

No bullet. Just an unfolding flag with the word "Bang!" Severus leapt through the flames and tackled Arthur. There was a loud crash on the other side and McGonagall drew her wand and followed.

For a moment all the aurors were startled, then they rushed toward the writhing mass of two humans on the floor who were kicking and flailing at each other. It took three Aurors to yank Severus off Arthur and just as they got him free, Arthur struck out at Severus. McGonagall had just enough time to grab a handful of Arthur's trench coat. She was not very strong but breaking up Quidditch fights had trained her. Though students gave less of a resistance than Arthur, who was determined to rush Snape.

Neither was going to give in so it was the coat that had to. It came free with a loud tear and Arthur collapsed on the floor, his Fedora flying over to the other side of the room. McGonagall dropped the coat and rushed over to the man.

Arthur Weasley sat up slowly and blinked. "Where am I? What is happening?" He blinked and looked around. "Severus, what on earth is happening?" He shook his head. "I don't understand-"

"Scallywag!" declared Snape. "Mangy dog!" He tried to break free of the Aurors. "Fight me like a man you lily-liver!" In the struggle he had dropped his sword and he wasn't wearing a coat but on a hunch McGonagall walked over to him and pushed the captain's hat off his head.

For one moment longer Snape continued to struggle. Then he continued struggling but with an entirely different scowl on his face. He tried to pull himself free. "What the devil is going on? Unhand me this instant!"

McGonagall raised a hand. "Please let him go. I think our potions master has finally returned to his senses." Hesitantly the Aurors obeyed. Snape straightened himself and levelled everyone in the room with a scowl. "Now I ask again. What is the meaning of this?"

* * *

When all was said and done, it took headmaster Dumbledore to give the answer. He examined the Fedora and the Captain's hat and declared with a sad smile that someone had tried to put a spell on these costumes to make the wearer also act the part (Though the real tradegy was whoever had cast the spell had clearly never met a pirate. Or a private eye for that matter). How Arthur Weasley and Severus Snape had come to the decision to steal them from Department of Misuse of Magic's evidence room on Halloween night to go trick or treating though was anyone's guess. It was however heavily implied that Odgen's Special Strength Firewhiskey had had a hand in that.


End file.
